Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
