someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
