I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
no, he came in my armpit
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She told me I should be a condom model.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
