I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
