We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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