Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
