if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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