I want to have your abortion
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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