its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
