Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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