note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
