i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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