Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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