I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
