so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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