i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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