I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
