If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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