Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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