My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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