WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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