Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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