I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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