dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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