so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
