The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
