I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
