you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
