This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
