sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
