I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
