Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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