i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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