i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
