i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
