Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
