Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
