I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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