Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
