So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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