We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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