ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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