my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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