Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
