either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Its about making memories worth repressing
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
