girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
