You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
