Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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