I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
