My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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