So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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