I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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