Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
